You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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