if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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