Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
