the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
