That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
