My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
