just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I need to sanitize my soul.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
