Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
