Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
