Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
