Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
