What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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