I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
