p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
