Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I didn't notice because vodka
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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