yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
