Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
