Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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