I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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