my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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