i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
They took my balls.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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