just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
