I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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