I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
