Banned from zoo.
Again?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
