3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
