not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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