i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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