It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
