man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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