She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
