I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
