People in love make me want to vomit
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
