When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
she told me i tasted like america
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
