Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Is it because I queefed?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
