I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
