Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
