oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
