Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
