don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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