Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
