I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
