Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
