people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
