I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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