Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
