Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
