maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
