I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
