the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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