if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
